I posted a thread a while back about cautioning people to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what I am now about to ask advice about from others.
Currently, I am in the process of pursuing a degree in nursing. I am transferring to a CC and thus have three semesters left in an AA degree with an option to directly get into a one year BSN degree after that. I am now 26 years old and graduated HS in 2007. I went to art school when I was 18-19, first at Massart, then at RISD. I was forced to leave, much to my huge huge dismay, because my cosigner stopped. It turned my whole life around and everything I had ever planned for. The last six years of my life have been a huge blur of everything I have hoped would never happen. But yeah. I took a few years off before returning to school for nursing. I went to a public college (didn't get into the school as an internal nursing student transfer), then a private college, then...
I had to take the last year off from school for a variety of reasons. The biggest reason being because of poor mental health. I have dealt with severe depression and anxiety for the last five and a half years. It started six months after I was forced to leave school due to money and had a psychotic break due to a depressive episode since my depression got so bad. However, my pediatrician told my mom when I was as young as 8 that she thought I had depression. My mom just didn't believe in mental illness. In the last five and a half years, I have tried 19 different medications and multiple therapists. I just got put on two new medications that I'm hoping will help me; I am very depressed at the moment and doing worse than I have in very a long time. The last few months, I have also dealt with new onset of chronic migraines. Luckily, they are finally getting under control, after having them every day for three months straight - yes, migraines, or headaches, every day. It's been debilitating beyond belief. I also have IBS, GERD, asthma, eczema, allergies, and various other health issues (ie sometimes unexplained daily hives, and a few episodes of esophagitis that I'm waiting on getting an endoscopy for, tachycardia that I need to get a Holter monitor for). A lot of it is due hugely to anxiety. Sources are like from strained relationships with my parents, with them constantly screaming at me, swearing at me, and sometimes getting violent. I worry that this means I am not ready to return to school in September. Am I? I say am I - but I really feel like I am not. My most recent psychologist has referred me to a partial hospitalization program for depression. I have been so non-functioning recently that I've gone a week without showering, hardly leaving my bed. It's been very bad. The new medications seem to be helping somewhat but I have horrible anxiety attacks and slip into depression that lasts for a long time whenever I think about going back to school. More on that later.
I work as a PCA in a hospital, and have done so for over a year. I am excellent at my job and regularly receive praise from patients, fellow coworkers, and supervisors. I am in disbelief I am that able to fake it.
However, I spend my shifts anxious beyond belief, and break down in utter exhaustion when I am home and stress out badly when I am not there. It takes over my life - work and stressing. I have barely worked in the four months since the migraines started, even though I really need the money. I dread going to work and have panic attacks over it.
In my first semester in nursing school, I received the highest GPA out of my class of 40 students and was the only one to make the dean's list. I am capable of doing the work. I am very intelligent. However, I have many problems that started nearing the end of that semester that have made me terrified of returning and wonder if nursing is something that will make me happy in the long run. I was regularly suicidal, calling the suicide hotline, and having screaming, hyperventilating, huge hours long anxiety attacks. I cannot say enough how horrible this was. This was nearly an everyday thing by the end. I freak out every single time the thought of returning to school crosses my mind because I think back to this. None of these problems has been fixed. Many of the problems associated with this, included chronic procrastination, lateness, and absenteeism (albeit due to illness such as migraines, which I need to learn to live with, I guess :/) have gone on literally my whole life. I don't know how to overcome them.
I regularly have what I refer to as identity crises, for the last few years. It always has to do with art vs nursing. I feel like I'm not being true to who I am as a person, as an essential part of who I am. I grew up my whole life forming who I was as an artist. I feel in a large way that I'm living a lie.
So. Nursing:
I absolutely love helping people. Love it. For so long, ever since I gave up my hopes on art after my psychotic break from depression and was diagnosed, I have felt that nursing has been my calling, and have felt great fulfillment from helping people. But the longer I do my job as a PCA, the more burnt out and stressed I am becoming. A lot of it is probably also due to stress in my personal life, my anxiety and depression in general; but, I am also very empathetic, and I take on the stress of their illnesses home with me, it's a huge burden, and it's become too much for me to handle. I feel terrible saying that. Patients regularly tell me that I'm "one of the good ones who actually cares" but that comes with a huge price. A patient recently remembered me even though I only had her once as a patient a year ago. I am so happy because that is a huge reason I chose to pursue nursing instead of art; to make a difference in peoples' lives, to help, and to care for them.
The second biggest reason, unfortunately, is also because it would bring me a large salary (about $70k gross to start full time on the night shift where I currently work, confirmed by a current coworker who just started). This would make it so much easier to pay back my loans, which I've wanted for the longest time to do as quickly as possible so that I wouldn't have it as a cloud over my head for the rest of my life. A huge reason for my depression and anxiety is also this huge debt. It's ruining my life whenever I think about it. I just want to cry over all the mistakes I made getting myself into this with no escape and not knowing how to make it better. But, yeah. In many ways, I have viewed nursing as a means to an end. But don't get me wrong, I very much enjoy it. It's intellectually stimulating, and I love learning about all of it. It is just very challenging, time consuming, stressful, and makes my anxiety soar through the roof.
I have major procrastination issues. I put things off, and then in a cycle, I beat myself up for it and have regular break downs and panic attacks over it. It got worse and worse by the end of before I took a leave of absence. It was a living hell. The problems I don't think have been fixed. See above where I say these problems have existed my whole life and I don't know how they would be fixed. I see them being made hugely worse because I don't see my heart in nursing anymore. It is stressful beyond belief and throw my depression, anxiety, and migraines etc. on top of it, and it is all the more difficult.
After searching for years, I was finally able to find a therapist who knows of a partial hospitalization program that goes from Monday through Friday, 9am-3pm. I am going to start this asap because I desperately need it.
(Post 1 of 2; to be continued in next post; reached character limit)
↧